Rad Ads - Play By Mail, the ROCK T-shirt that is 'sweeping the country', and Mindreading

Welcome back to Rad Ads — the article series in which we look back at comic book ads that ran in DC comics during the eighties (and sometimes the early nineties — depending on how inspired we're feeling). Today's segment is brought to you by Rad Ads alumni Chris Sheehan (of the Chris Is On Infinite Earths blog) and returning contributor Jason Brown (you may remember him for his review of John Ostrander's Suicide Squad from last year.)


Seen sometime in 1981:

Jason: This ad seems to hold promise; play your favorite game ... make new friends ... join a "Society". Chess, Checkers, something called "Pool Checkers" (which sounds like someone who pulls needles and condoms out of the kiddie pool at the local public park), and Othello. That all sounds fine until you get to the "through the mail" part. Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that mean a couple weeks minimum between moves? Wouldn't I rather debate world economics with the DMV sloths from Zootopia? I mean, aren't we talking a game time roughly equivalent to time it would take to raise a toddler? Or backpack around the world? Or finish university? "Why yes, I earned my bachelor's degree in theme park engineering, and won that game of checkers."

Hey look, if you can't find one other person to play Chess or Checkers with you might want to invest a little time away from the comic book collection out in the world of people. Start out with "Hi", then if you do OK with that part, try following up with "How are you?" Send your money to 'South Bend, Indiana 46660'? Kind of a red flag.

Chris: The American Postal Game Society... could you even begin to wrap your head around such a thing? I see an insane man standing at a podium making proclamations to an audience of stuffed animals and action figures... maybe his disappointed parents are there too.

Either that, or this is a dude who visits the post office every day to try and "sell them" on his idea. He's got this elevator pitch where he explains that they’ll strike it rich by selling "man sections". The postal employees just smile and nod and tell him that his idea is "pretty good".

Could you imagine sending $10 in the mail to some post office box with an index cards that reads "I want two man sections"... what does that even mean? What do you expect to receive in return? Another index card that says "Okay"? Things like this make me so happy crowdfunding wasn't a thing back in the 1980s.




...and then in 1986:

Jason: "Conquer all of Europe, or even an entire galaxy. Colonize a planet or destroy it ... YOU decide." Raise a civilization, then raze it to the ground. Kill 'em all on my random whim. My people will learn to love their Lord; and fear him! There very fates will be my playthings! The entire galaxy will tremble as I bring down my terrible hammer of judgement! Um ... yes ... every three weeks. But you know, they have been "industry leader" for 16 years, so ... well you know, they must know how to give me the play by mail adventure payoffs I'm looking for. Flying Buffalo sounds about right.

I dabbled in Play by Mail games back in the late 80s. The first one that I played was Duelmasters. You design your gladiators, then fill out these battle sheets, your strategic actions for the whole game. Then you send it off, obsess about it, pine for it, get depressed waiting for it, and about 3 weeks later a computer generated report of your battles comes back and it's the most exciting thing in your life for about ten minutes. The computer generated battle — I guess they fed all the data into a computer (at least that's what they said ... for all I know, they just made it up) - reads like a play by play: "this character did this", "that character did that", "this happened", "that happened". You either win or lose and then can post stuff about it on the newsletter. I remember feeling like a real celebrity reading my own contributions to the newsletter.

I was pretty new and some people were exchanging info on how to crack the code of the game and stuff like that. I made a team of six characters that I named after an Anthrax album called Among the Living, and all my characters named after heavy metal songs. The one character I had that never got defeated — he won 6 times — was called Subjugator. I think it was probably legitimate - I think Subjugator was a well-balanced design, so he kept winning. Now I'm thinking they secretly let you have one character who wins a lot to keep you sending in your money. (I wasn't capable of that level of cynicism back then.) I had this other character, called Nuclear Assault (named after the band), and he was a really speedy character. He had very fast repetitive attacks and won 2 or 3 matches. Then I got cocky and went up against this undefeated opponent, called Rook Lamachine who deflected all of my attacks until I ran out of steam, then finished me easily. I'll never forget Rook Lamachine for giving me the gift of humility.

That same company made another game called Hyborian War which is set in the world of Conan the Barbarian.You rule of a country in Hyborea dealing with politics, finances and all this other boring crap I couldn't get a handle on in high school. So you put in your orders for your country for that turn, and then they send you back the report of what's happening. I ruled Asgard, north of Cimmeria, Conan's homeland, and I basically drove it into the ground. Asgard was half-decent when I started and just a smoldering crater when I finished. I couldn't seem to figure out the politics or finances or any of that stuff. I discovered that ruling a country isn't as easy as one might think.

Before I kicked the Play By Mail habit for good, I played another one where I ran a street gang. The goal was to pull off crimes and take over city blocks. What a great vehicle for the imagination.

The last one was called Alamaze — which was a fantasy world — but I never got around to playing that one (because I think I discovered girls or music or something else legitimate).

I just checked online and these games still exist. What's hilarious is that anyone would want to participate in Play By Mail games now that the internet exists. What's even more hardcore is the fact that I just ordered the starter package for all of them.


[Editor's note: As of this writing, Flying Buffalo is still an existing gaming company, holds a prestigious list of awards for the games they've created and offers Play By Mail/E-Mail games, Smartphone Apps, custom dice, German miniatures, and a Nuclear War card game. Got to hand it to this company to keeping true to the dream.]



Circa 1984:

Jason: This ad looks similar to when they are trying to emulate something North American, but it's actually coming from Kazakhstan or someplace like that. It kinda looks like they reproduced (and by reproduce, I mean they had a ten-year-old draw it), some vague images of ... AC/DC's Angus Young, I think ... wearing his school boy uniform ... yeah, that's definitely Angus Young on the bottom left. I'm pretty sure that's Brian Johnson (the singer of AC/DC) on the top right with some sort of bass guitar that looks like a really big deformed piece of black licorice. And then there's the guy beside him, who has a devil head (that maybe looks like someone put a cigarette out on it), and finally it says "MASTERS OF METAL" by the collar.

Sweeping the country? I'm not totally convinced. Don't get me wrong, I mean it is a pretty rockin' shirt. Personally, I might have first hired a real artist, or maybe at least used some photos. Also, the composition is a little ... oh, I don't know, ridiculous? Hey, let's put these shitty child drawings in a nice display, but leave the bottom right blank. Then we'll cram "MASTERS OF METAL" up by the neck like it's an afterthought. It's like some cement worker had a bright idea to make a killing tricking comic book fans into buying this garbage shirt he threw together with his buddy who owns a printing shop and his artistically talented son (who sketched some pics from a magazine with AC/DC in it he found in a ditch). None of them speak English, so they couldn't read any of the names and by the time their cousin who does know English transcribed the ad, they had already used the magazine for toilet paper. "Ah!", exclaimed the cement worker as he tapped his forehead, "Just say that it features the world's HOTTEST guitarist eh? The Americans will know who it is! We will be rich!" The one part of the ad that I truly respect for being truthful and accurate is the claim that wearing this shirt, you will definitely be the talk of your friends. (Seriously though, can I still buy this?)

Chris: The first time I came across this ad I would have bet money the “Masters of Metal” were carrying rifles and not guitars! It’s as though a third-world insurgency decided that a horrendous t-shirt would sweep whole country and make many many USD’s.

I’d like to think that in the years that followed this shirt morphed into the more iconic (though equally rockin’) "three wolf moon" shirt.

Sometime in 1987:

Jason: 'Mindreading: learn the secrets and amaze your friends!' Wow, what an incredible deal. Keep in mind, they're not just baiting you with a preview - you're getting the complete course for 5 dollars (plus a dollar postage.) Yep. Mindreading for $6. Now I'm thinking this has got to be along the lines of "If she bites her lip and fidgets with her hair it means she likes you," or "If he becomes intensely quiet and you notice his fists are clenched he might be angry, unless he just drank a lot of water, in which case he may just have to go to the bathroom." Where you finally get the thing just hoping and praying or some kind of low level super powers but then it just falls flat. Just like x-ray glasses and Sea Monkeys.You can almost hear old JoJo Deutch laughing at you as you look in the mirror and see nothing but a big sucker. Unless it was a real thing and there is actually a whole alumni of JoJo Deutch mindreaders out there. But if that's true, I hope none of them also bought the MASTERS OF METAL shirt.

Chris: I always wonder why mindreaders and psychics advertised at all… it kinda goes against their whole schtick, right? I mean, if they can read minds and tell the future, advertising is a pretty poor and foolhardy expense to incur. I gotta wonder if the esteemed JoJo Deutch foresaw nobody buying her amazing course? Hell, at the very least… wouldn’t you figure she would just send the course out to the people she knows will be interested?

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If you enjoy reading about the comic book ads of yesteryear, then you're going to enjoy Chris Sheehan and Reggie Hancock's 18th Weird Comics History podcast for the Weird Science DC Comics blog. Chris and Reggie cover the life and times of novelty purveyor S.S. Adams and bodybuilder Charles Atlas and relook at a few of the comic book ads that appeared in the 50s, 60s and 70s. [Chris and Reggie also combo'd last year to bring us one of our first Rad Ad articles.] 

-Justin

Rad Ads - How to Breakdance, Breed and Raise Parakeets, Skul and "Attention Virginia"

Welcome back to the long-awaited and highly anticipated return of our Rad Ads segment. Chris Sheehan and I will be teaming up for this one.

DC Comics — who published materials targeted towards teens, young adults, college-aged kids and (in some cases) adults — reached a very wide North American demographic. This was perfect for selling advertising space. (DC Comics was a business after all, and needed to generate revenue to keep it's doors open). Many companies that produced candy, cookies, video games, bicycles, model kits (and just about anything else aimed at a young adult market) bought full page and half page ad space to display their colorful advertisements for their products. These were legit companies with REAL advertising dollars who were able to pay for vibrant and splashy ads.

...and then there were the 'classifieds' (for lack of a better word). The classifieds took up a whole page and contained a whole bunch of ads packed into one condensed space.

Need to post an ad in a DC comic, but you're on a tight budget? Here you go...

If you had the money, Sanford Schwarz & Co. (and later Print Advertising Representatives Inc.) would let you advertise in a DC comic — no matter how nefarious the product or service. To be fair, most of the ad space featured comic book shops trying to sell back issues, Charles Atlas ads or "high school from home" programs for adults [note: we at DC in the 80s strongly support education of any kind. Stay in school, kids. -J].

[There were times in which you could tell how lucrative these classified pages were. There would be months where several of the ad "spots" would be full of DC "bullets" or variations on the WRITE RIGHT NOW! Bumper. I may be misremembering, but I feel like there were even months where the classifieds only received a half-page. -Chris]

In this article, Chris and I are going to take a look at some of the more interesting classified ads we've ran across in our years of reading DC comics.


Found in a few 1985 issues:

Justin: Remember when breakdancing took North America by storm? As evidenced by the films Wild Style, Breakin', Beat Street, Body Rock and Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo, America seemed to be fascinated with this new dance craze in the early to mid-1980s. I think there's even a scene in Flashdance where Jennifer Beals mixes it up with some pop n'lockers. Well, now you can learn at home and earn a "Champion Breakdancer" certificate.

Even McDonald's was trying to cash in on the North Americam breakdancin' craze

Chris: The breakdancer certificate is something I’m actually surprised they're including for the low low price of just under five bucks. I’d have imagined there would be a coupon or something in the back of the book that a novice pop-locker would have to clip and mail off with an additional fiver. Just think of the value here… Sally Struthers should be doing commercials for this place! You wanna learn to headspin? Sure, we all do!

Justin: I think breakdancing was popular again for a bit while I was in high school (mid 1990s). Some of my 'cooler' friends tried really hard to get good at it, but of course, we were all just middle-class white kids from a small Canadian town so we were all self-taught (based on music videos we saw and etc) and none of us were able to pull it off gracefully. I personally don't know anybody over the age of 30 who still breakdances. Except for 'the Robot'. Everyone seems to think that they can do 'the Robot'. They claim to do it ironically, but they're really putting their hearts into it.

Justin: In keeping with the true spirit of the 'classified' section, they should've re-worded the ad to "MAKE EXTRA MONEY! LAY DOWN SOME CARDBOARD AND PERFORM HEADSPINS AND WINDMILLS FOR HAPLESS PASSERBY".

Chris: I’m thinking this is a missed opportunity. Seinfeld fans may remember Kramer’s "Coffee Table Book" that would actually fold out to become a coffee table… why not give this booklet an over-sized cardboard cover? You could learn your flashy footwork secrets… then just lay the book down on a street corner and bust 'em out. Hell, maybe even offer a "deluxe" model with a linoleum cover!

Justin: On that note, I've never seen anyone become successful from being a B-boy or B-girl. All it ever seems to net them is a hip replacement at 45 years old. Truth in advertising, "DAZZLE YOUR FRIENDS WHILE CRUSHING YOUR T6 VERTEBRAE". Breakdance Back Syndrome is a real thing, people. Look it up.

Chris: Ehhh, that pesky T6 vertebrae just gets in the way of doing the worm anyway!

Justin: I wouldn’t be surprised if the city of New York had never issued any Public Service Announcements warning the population from partaking in this activity. A very stern 1984 New York Times article addressed the perils of breakdancing. The truth in all this is that while we recognize breakdancing is a REAL art form, it can't be taught from the pages of a book with illustrations — you'd need an actual experienced instructor who knows what he's doing.

Chris: Just a brief mention, but the Johnson Smith Company is still in business, though no longer in Michigan. Now operating out of Bradenton, Florida, JSC has a wide array of catalogs and novelties. There’s no mention of breakdancing how-tos on their website… so either they realized the fad has passed, or they lost their accreditation from the Boogaloo Shrimp Board of Crew Dancing.

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1981 classified ad (this one ran for a few years):

Justin: Welcome to the fast-paced and high stakes world of parakeet breeding.

Chris: Just don’t put them in the same cage as the rattlesnake eggs you got from another ad!

Justin: Prior to this ad, I had no clue Parakeet Breeding was a 'thing', and just thought it was an advertisement placed by a plucky entrepreneur with too many books about raising parakeets lying around. Apparently, the business of Parakeet Breeding is still alive and kicking as demonstrated by specialty websites (i.e. Budgie Place, Types-of-birds.blogspot.ca, Cute Little Birdies Aviary and petbirdincome.com), but it's not a very well-publicized activity (which is why I've never heard of it until this ad). There's a good reason for that — this ad was most likely an offshoot of the North American 'Budgie Boom' that swept the nation in the early-to-mid 1950s.

In 1930, the United States experienced a HUGE outbreak of psittacosis (a respiratory disease mainly transmitted to humans by birds) that affected around 800 individuals and indirectly prompted the creation of the National Institute of Health. The 1930 psittacosis epidemic led to a ban on budgies (aka: the Australian shell parakeet) throughout New York and several other states, but was ultimately lifted in 1952. This led to the North American 'Budgie Boom' that permeated the United States for the next two decades; breeding and raising your own parakeets suddenly became a popular national pastime. Why? Because back then, a single budgie could run you anywhere between $5 to $15 in a bird shop. There was a great demand for these birds.

I couldn't honestly tell you what the state of breeding parakeets for profit was during the 60s and 70s, but I DO know that New York City had reported an influx of exotic birds introduced to it's domestic ecology sometime in the early 1970s, with at least one species of parrot becoming a regular fixture in New York state.

Unless you plan on making this a large-scale operation (i.e. hundreds and hundreds of birds), breeding parakeets is not as lucrative as it used to be. According to experienced parakeet breeders, thanks to a) the high price of bird seed, b) market and demand fluctuations, c) veterinary maintenance and d) the current economic climate of the country, the best a small-scale breeder could hope for is being able to cover expenses. In essence, it'll develop into a hobby that pays for itself. Today, you'd be better off raising chickens. At least you can eat those.


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This one actually ran in DC comics for a few months in 1982:

Justin: Nothing says 'professional retailer' like an ad that looks like it was drawn up by a 7 year old. It's like some kid got mad at his father and took out an ad to sell all of his stuff.

Chris: During the late 1980's, dozens of comics fans ventured into the deepest, darkest corner of Graham, Texas with one goal in mind… Skul Posters. None of them returned. This really looks like something put together by a mad man. I actually get a bit uncomfortable looking at this… perhaps that is due to my vivid and crooked imagination, okay… that’s definitely it. But there is something sinister here… there’s just gotta be.

Justin: I'm imagining you show up at this guy's house, he silently leads you to his homemade backyard arena, throws you a broad sword and excepts you to duel with him to the death. For the life of me, I can't figure out what 'Skul' is supposed to mean. "Skull"? "Kull the Conqueror"? "School"?

Justin: I think the retailer realized how amateur it looked (or decided to pay Sanford Schwarz & Co. for their professional typeface services), because it was quickly replaced with this version several issues later:

Justin: All gentle ribbing aside, I'm really curious to see what Robert Robbins is up to now (is he a professional graphics designer?) and what his posters looked like. Maybe he was the next Todd McFarlane and we all missed out. Or maybe he was a guy who just had too many Conan, Hulk and Skul posters lying around and was trying to ship 'em out. Either way, Mr Robbins, if you're reading this, drop us a line.

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I first saw this in a 1985 DC comic, but I think it ran for many years:

Justin: There's nothing THAT funny about this, except that it seems like the ad is specifically addressing a particular woman. "ATTENTION VIRGINIA. WE FOUND YOUR PURSE. WE DON'T PLAN ON HANGING ONTO IT FOREVER, SO PLEASE COME AND PICK IT UP." or, better yet, "ATTENTION VIRGINIA, ACCORDING TO THE JUDICIAL PROCESS THE RESTRAINING ORDER HAS BEEN LIFTED. COME SEE US AGAIN. YOU WON'T BE SORRY."

Chris: I won’t be sorry? Is that a threat? All kidding aside, it’s crazy to consider that up until last summer… Dave’s Comics (and cards) was still a brick-and-mortar presence in Richmond! He currently runs an online store and is active with local conventions. The ad itself does read like a "missed connection" on Craigslist… only this one probably cost actual USD to share… and likely attracted a slightly less perverted response... hopefully.

Justin: I want to leave this Rad Ads segment on a rockin' note. So we're going conclude with this embedded video of Prism's "Virginia":

-Justin

Big thanks and welcome back to Chris Sheehan, who has been on hiatus to work on The Cosmic Treadmill and the Weird Comics History podcasts for the DC Weird Science blog. Unless I'm mistaken, Chris will also be nearing his one year anniversary on his Chris Is On Infinite Earths blog — be sure to check out his interesting and entertaining comic reviews.

Rad Ads - Elvira t-shirt, Kool-Aid Man video game and Raquel Welch pillow

Welcome back to Rad Ads, your place to have your senses inundated by an 80's flavored marketing bonanza. Look at those bright vibrant colors, feel the grit on your fingertips, smell that pulpy old newsprint... now tell me you don't feel like buying some crappy Atari game... just try it.

Today's piece is a special one as I'm teaming up with my good buddy Reggie. Reggie is one of the main men over at Weird Science DC Comics. He is a prolific and amazingly talented writer and reviewer. He is also my co-host (or maybe I'm his co-host) for the weekly Weird Comics History segment on the Weird Science DC Comics Podcast, and we've got some other comics-related stuff cooking as well.

Born Cassandra Peterson, Elvira Mistress of the Dark was the host of Movie Macabre on Los Angeles TV. Due to her talent and... ahem, assets, Elvira surged in popularity to the point where in 1988 she was able to write and star in her own feature film: Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. The film would go on to win many awards including a Golden Raspberry for worst actress and a Stinker for worst picture. It's important to note that boobs were a lot harder to come by in the 1980s than they are today, when you can call up a plethora of boob images on your smartphone at a moment's notice.

Fun fact: Peterson was talked into pursuing Hollywood fame by none other than Elvis Presley. Yep, the King of Rock and Roll and the future-Mistress of the Dark had a sorta-kinda fling back in the 70's and he convinced her to go West.

This t-shirt definitely sends a strong message to the world that the wearer is likely a sex offender or is, at least, a Furry. The font used for "Elvira" seems to be the same as that used by the prog rock band Yes, a favorite for purveyors of candy from windowless vans and guys that wear half-tinted sunglasses without irony. Actually, looking at it a bit closer, this t-shirt seems tailored for a woman's fit, which just makes no sense at all.

Many people claim (and with good reason) that the "Great Video Game Crash of 1983" was due to the marketing having become flooded by unlicensed and low-quality games. Chase the Chuck Wagon (by Purina) was a dog-food themed game that often pops up in conversation... I think today we've found another to share in the blame.

Kool-Aid Man by Mattel was released for the Atari 2600 and the Intellivision. Just looking at the ad, you can tell this is one of the worst video games of all time. What's most interesting about this is that this game was not a simple console port... each system had their own unique game! And both were the worst video games of all time!

In the Atari 2600 version, the player appears to control a pitcher of Kool-Aid whose job it is to stop the Thirsties™ from sucking up all the delicious toxic blue goop at the bottom of the screen.

The Intellivision game, however, is a full-blown (ridiculously primitive) adventure game where you play as two children whose sole mission is to employ their powers of chemistry to make a delicious pitcher of Kool-Aid. All the while they are pursued by the T(h)errible Thirsties™... who have somehow made their way into their home.

This was a time that Kool-Aid held sway as the soda alternative. Sure, there was Tang, but that didn't have the blatant sugary taste of Kool-Aid. Nowadays you have Sunny Delight and VitaminWater and lots of drinks of dubious nutritional value.The games are listed at a $20.00 value, which I suppose is better than them trying to fleece a fifty from an unwitting 80's kid... OR you could trade in 125 Kool-Aid Proofs of Purchase. I remember having a baggie full of these as a kid... too bad all the prizes sucked! Of note... this offer doesn't expire and is good while supplies last... so if you're interested you may just be able to get in on one of these! You gotta figure Kool-Aid Korporate still has closets full of this garbage.

Finally, here's this installment's 'Wild Card': the 'Raquel Welch pillow', an ad for which was found in a 1973 issue of Action Comics. I guess maybe America is Superman, Apple Pie, and durable starlet-emblazoned inflatable pillows.

Here's a better look at the... ahem, rugged headrest.

In amazingly good condition, if I do say so... Maybe it's as durable as they say!

"Makes a great gag gift", they say. Imagine being the lunatic who gives this thing to somebody... even as a joke. I doubt anyone would be able to look at me the same way again. What's worse, imagine being the poor jerk who gets this as a joke gift. How does one react to being given a two-foot long Raquel Welch? I mean, besides sporting an instantaneous boner?

Ay yai yai, let's keep reading this thing, shall we?

"Keep her for yourself or show her to your friends."

"Livens up party when everyone sees and FEELS this great gag item."

'Feels'? 'FEELS'?!? You can't make this stuff up! I mentioned earlier about being the giver or receiver of this nightmare. Now imagine being the guy who tries to liven up a flagging party by heading into the bedroom to retrieve your voluptuous vinyl Ms. Welch!

"Hey guys, look what I got! Anybody wanna feel?"

And by "feel", I mean "hump it". Hey, it is made of vinyl! That wipes clean. I wonder if there's an unspoken hierarchy among pillow owners? Like, do blow-up doll owners look down on those who have the Racquel Welch pillow? And then do people with the vinyl pillow denigrate those who have hentai figures on body pillows? It's a burning question that I'm not sure I want the answer to.



Well, on that note... this wraps up another edition of DC in the 80's Rad Ads. As always, we hope you enjoyed. If you have anything you want to add (or if there are any ads you wanna see covered) please let me know. Keeping with the community feel of this column, if there are any ads YOU wanna chime in on, drop me a line in care of this website and we'll work something out.

Big thanks to Reggie for playing along and hanging out for this installment. Again, you should definitely check out his work on Weird Science DC Comics, as well as here on this very site. You can find him on Twitter @reggiereggie.

Thanks for reading, and if you dig the concept please consider spreading the word!

 -Chris


Can't wait for the next installment in this series of articles? For more of Chris Sheehan, check out his highly recommended Chris is on Infinite Earths blog.

Rad Ads - Olympic Sales Club/Olympia Sales, Golden Spread Survey and the Durham Fly Killer

Welcome back to another edition of DC in the 80s' Rad Ads. Thank you for all the kind words on our inaugural piece! We look forward to continuing this column for a long time to come. We're still playing around with the format, and welcome all feedback.

Until then, let's ignore that note that tells us our story "Continues on 3rd Page Following" and dive back in to the ads!

Okay, now you're not an 80's kid if you don't remember these. Imagine annoying your family and neighbors with incessant knocking and prodding... trying to sell that one extra greeting card so that you could "cash in" on that Voltron Calculator Robot (Sell 16 Items!) you'd been eyeing. While we're imagining... picture sending your 10 year old kid out to knock on random strangers' doors... yikes!

In the fine tradition of GRIT... Captain "O", who I suppose these days we should call "Captain Winter (or Summer) Games" lest the commission drop a two-ton lawsuit on our heads, was a mainstay in comics all throughout my childhood. I used to always make note of the perky little operator in the bottom right hand corner, as she always had a different name... one month she's Sally, the next Bridget... Maybe she was in witness relocation... or maybe she was a Stepford Operator.

I never mustered the gumption to call Ms. Sally, but I will admit that I poured over these pages month in and month out, imagining plugging in my Portable TV (Sell 60 Items!)... or heaven forbid, riding down the block on that brand new BMX bike (Sell 80 Items!).

The (sales) power is truly in your hands with Captain "O". As a plucky entrepreneur, you can choose points or cold-hard cash for your hard work. $1.00 (in 1986 dollars, no less) per item sold. Which really makes me wonder, just how much was the good Captain charging the unwitting public for a greeting card?

The Olympic Sales Club, Inc. later became Olympia Sales and is still in existence today. They currently have three lines of greeting cards including Fravessi Greetings (which is listed as their "affordable" brand), paperstreet (which is a more upscale variety) and Enfield Stationers which offers a more personalized greeting card to businesses and what-not. A quick check at their Fravessi line shows they offer greeting cards for "$1 or less", now tell me, how would a contemporary Captain O minion gonna make any scratch that way?

By the way, if you were thinking the "O" stood for Olympic... or even Olympia, you'd be so wrong. The "O" is for O'Hara, the family who has owned and operated the company since it's inception back in 1966. So, Happy 50th Captain O!

There is an Olympic Sales Club Facebook page, which appears to be somewhat dormant following an "Exciting News to Come" status update in August of 2014. Some interesting discussion is found there, wherein some veterans of the sales war discuss prizes they received (or didn't receive as the case may be).

Man, how didn't I know about this book at the time? Whodathunk, all it would take to improve my (very) early love life would be a $3.00 Golden Spread Survey from Amarillo, Texas? Golden Spread... don't know about you, but that sounds absolutely filthy... Just what in the world is a Golden Spread?

Well, Golden Spread is a term that was coined by Amarillo radio personality Bob Izzard in 1954 in attempt to increase tourism to their fine town. The word 'Golden' suggested sunshine, and 'Spread' was in reference to the many ranches in the area. Many local businesses out Amarillo way have these words in their name even to this day.

There is precious little online in regards to this ad, in fact a Google search of "Girls Thoughts Revealed" (with quotes) only yields FOUR results. So, if there are any cats or kittens out there who were lookin' for love (in a comic book ad page) in 1989, help a brotha' out.

Now here's our "Wildcard" ad. Not quite in the 80's (this is from a 1993 issue of Green Lantern: Mosaic) but still eye catching... for all the wrong reasons. First off, look at that adorable li'l fly. Laying there all coy... just loving life. She (?) ain't hurting nobody... but the folks at Durham want her (?) DEAD regardless. The first time I saw this ad, I actually thought they named the li'l bugger BINGO. As in "Bingo the fly" is dead.

Here's a better look of the death chamber.from an old issue of Popular Mechanics. Imagine, this is the last thing many a fly ever saw before shuffling (or squishing) off this mortal coil... and flies, to my knowledge can't read... so how are they to know this machine means to kill them... rendering them thinner than a thin, thin pancake. Yikes! You too can live our all your executioner-fantasies by luring a harmless fly to what it believes to be a yummy meal... only to see out of the corner of their compound eye, some sick twisted individual excitedly push down a plunger "dynamite" style.

A few more views of the scarily primitive, almost cub scout quality killing apparatus.


That's all we've got room for this time. As always, I hope you enjoyed. If you have anything to add (or any ads you wanna see covered) please let me know. If you have any ads YOU'D like to comment on, drop me a line in care of this website and we'll work something out. Thanks for reading!

-Chris

Can't wait for the next installment in this series of articles? For more of Chris Sheehan, check out his highly recommended Chris is on Infinite Earths blog.

Rad Ads - Shirt Tales, Sears Catalog Nintendo and SHERRY Great Teen Physique

Picture it. You're rummaging through your garage... maybe you're looking for something, maybe it's spring cleaning... it doesn't really matter. You come across a large unmarked box. Curious, you open it. Inside you find the box is filled to the top with VHS video cassettes. Not commercial releases, mind you... unmarked tapes, ya know... the good stuff.

You lug the thing the the last TV in the house that still has a VCR attached to it, and pop the first tape in. It's an episode of Who's the Boss?. You think to yourself "who in the hell taped an episode of Who's the Boss?" Yet, you watch... you sit through the opening theme as the video struggles with its tracking, and the first segment (or maybe you just leave it on as "background noise"). As the show fades into its first ad break, you get an odd feeling in your stomach... then it happens. Whoever taped this... left the commercials in. Familiar jingles and catchphrases fill your head, and suddenly it's as though you're a kid again.

Commercials are, whether we like it or not, part of our popular culture. Whether it's a contemporary ad in which someone sings off key as a car drives along a road, or "By Men-nen", these things stick with us, and truly have the power to bring us back to where we were when we first saw or heard them. The adverts in comics are no different... at least to me. Perhaps I'm projecting, and I'll concede that may very well be the case, but one of the more special things about reading older comics is seeing the ads. It's something that cannot be recreated through trade collections... it's something unique and engaging about the ol' single issues, that truly (in my opinion) rewards those readers who seek them out.

Here in Rad Ads, we aim to revisit some old favorites (and not-so favorites), and perhaps go into some detail on their relevance, and stories (if there are any). We'll be covering DC house ads and product ads alike. We hope you enjoy.

From New Teen Titans #38 (January, 1984)

The new Saturday Morning Line-up was always a favorite ad growing up. As you can see, this one not only has the toons, but also the jazz! The only thing missing from this one is having the different characters interact with one another. Granted, I'm not sure how much conversation Thundarr the Barbarian could have with a six-story tall Mr. T.

Now just what in the world is a 'Shirt Tale'?

I'm glad you asked. The Shirt Tales were a cartoon series based on a line of greeting cards, of all things. They each wore a different brightly colored shirt, which would illuminate with what they were thinking. Strange concept that sadly only lasted two-seasons on NBC.

From Mister Miracle v2 #7 (August, 1989)

Now. If you're an eighties kid who was into comics and video games... I can think of no better ad to frustrate and annoy you with than the one above. This SEARS ad still makes my teeth itch. I mean, how can one advert have so many mistakes? For an ad whose tag-line is "Video Games Just Got Easier to Order!", they are sure complicating things!

Let's start on the left hand side. They very clearly transposed Castlevania II: Simon's Quest (or just Simons Quest here) and Zelda II: The Adventure of Link's images. Okay, I suppose that's forgivable. However, they've also mislabeled what is very obviously Super Mario Bros. as Super Mario Bros 2.

No... wait. Maybe... maybe they're right. Hear me out... Maybe SEARS carried import copies of the Famicon version of Super Mario Bros. 2. That would explain it. I bet that's it. I take it all back, SEARS. Ya done good.

From Robin #1 (January, 1991)

Veering just a hair outside of our 1980's purview, comes this rather creepy ad from SHERRY. You see, she (?) wants all you outta shape comic book fans to turn those flabby bellies into rows upon rows of rock-hard abs. You just need to let Teen Mr. America into your life. Which, upon a quick and (makes me feel) dirty Google search, appears to actually be a thing. It appears to be defunct as of the year 2000... which was also when I turned 20. Coincidence? I think not.

That's gonna do it for our inaugural Rad Ads. If you dig the concept, let us know. If there are any ads you'd like to see covered, feel free to contact me in care of this website. We thank you for reading.

-Chris




Can't wait for the next installment in this series of articles? For more of Chris Sheehan, check out his highly recommended Chris is on Infinite Earths blog.